In all honesty, I never thought I would be here. Not a college graduate still living at home. Not in this job I’ve been blessed with, but didn’t really know how to do. Actually I never thought I would be back at the church I was dedicated in as a child, being discipled by a group of Christian women I am proud to call my friends. And yet, here I am in this small town that I have always called home feeling blessed and stuck at the same time. I am so thankful for all God has taught me since graduating and the time I’ve had to deepen my relationship with my parents, but this doesn’t discount the restlessness I hold in my heart. I am in mid-step, afraid to not step away from home and yet I am also afraid to step into the unknown. So I stand here frozen with one leg glued to safety while my heart yearns for something more.
This is not where I thought I would be, and so for months I have allowed fear and the failure I already feel consume me. Starting today though, my prayer is changing. (And believe me it’s taken me a good while to get here). I had been praying, “Oh Lord please tell me what’s next!” Which in my heart translates to, “Lord, show me a way out!” And that is not how I need to look at this season of my life. So, today, it is now, “Lord what is it you want me to learn while I’m here? You clearly have me here for a reason and a season so help me to make it according to your will and not my feelings. And when the day comes, help me to fully step into the next season with confidence, courage and no hesitation.”
I don’t know the next season God has for me, but I do know he is preparing me everyday if I allow Him. My days of my own little pity-parties are not over because I am me and I know myself. The days of wondering what is next will probably continue. But, today my prayer changes and so therefore God will begin changing my heart; showing me how I can glorify Him now, today, and every moment after, no matter the season.